Unfortunately, there is a skill involved in dealing with conflict that you may never have had the opportunity to learn. Lacking this skill makes negotiation and resolving conflict difficult no matter what you are trying to solve. So, it is a valuable skill whether you are trying to talk about parenting problems or any other problem that can arise in a relationship.

For many parents, dealing with conflict is like trying to navigate around a minefield. There’s the sense that at any moment a misplaced step could result in an explosion. But learning to recognize conflict for what it is can actually strengthen your relationship making it less stressful, more authentic and satisfying.

You Can Only Change Yourself
The most important factor in dealing with any conflicts that arise in your parenting relationship is to recognize that while you do have some influence, the only person you can really change is yourself. Acknowledging this fact gives you a big a step-up in dealing with conflict rather than spending unproductive time playing the “blame game” and trying to make the other person change.

In my counseling practice, the partner who called for an appointment was usually the person who was the most upset and felt they were “right” about what was going on. This person brings (or drags!) the reluctant partner who is also eager to enroll me as the referee who will agree with his/her point of view. Many times the stories told by each person made me wonder if they lived on the same planet — much less in the same house, so different were their tales!

Then, I would deliver the bad news. For effective change to occur, each person must focus attention on themselves and not the other person. One of the most useful techniques to help couples do this was developed by Peter Bader, Ph.D and Ellyn Bader, Ph.D and described in their book “In Quest of the Mythical Mate”. The technique focuses on each partner taking responsibility for the goal of conflict resolution, rather than blaming or trying to change each other.

Here is a process from that book you can practice.

Resolve the Conflict without Blame
The basic premise is simple, but because partners are not skilled in speaking without blaming or listening without becoming defensive, it takes some commitment to practice. There are two roles in this technique: the Speaker and the Listener.

The one who is the most upset or has the problem, is the Speaker and brings it up for discussion.

The Speaker states the problem and shares FEELINGS and THEIR reasons for being upset.

The Speaker DOES NOT blame or attack the other partner.

The Listener’s (other partner) job is to only listen not interrupt.

After the Speaker’s feelings are expressed, the Speaker shares the desired outcome from this discussion.

As the Listener, your job is to just listen to what the Speaker is saying. Sounds simple until you are sitting across from someone who is upset with something you did or said! Try and listen to your partner as you would to a friend describing to you something they were really upset about. This minimizes the urge to start defending yourself or disagreeing with what is being said.

As the Listener, keep in mind that the speaker’s view is his or her own experience. It does not mean it’s the truth, but it is how the Speaker has interpreted the events.

After the Speaker has shared, the Listener can ask questions to further understand what the Speaker is trying to communicate or why the Speaker feels a certain way. But before any resolution or problem solving is attempted, the Listener is to respond with understanding and concern for the FEELINGS of the Speaker. Remember that you will want this too when you are the one sharing about an upset as the Speaker.

This can be difficult when what the Listener really wants to do is disagree or make the Speaker’s account of the incident wrong. One way to reduce the urge to lash out or defend yourself is to listen to your partner as you would to a friend who is upset about something that DOES NOT involve you!

When the Listener can empathize with the Speaker, there will be a moment of comfort or understanding both partners will recognize.

It is important to stay with the process until that moment is reached. Now there is good will between you and a strong likelihood that the problem can be negotiated to each other’s satisfaction.

In the beginning, this process can feel artificial and unnatural. However with some practice, it will flow more smoothly and without so much structure. Remember that satisfying relationships need attention if they are to grow and develop. Making the time to improve your problem solving skills and your ability to parent better together is time well spent.

If you give this process a try, let me know how it goes. And, if you need any help just ask!

Here are some steps to help you navigate that slippery area. Take note: Sharing intimate information with your partner makes you vulnerable. Before working on the suggestions in this list, first make an agreement that neither partner will use the information shared as a “club” when angry.

1. Make your disagreements an opportunity to understand your partner better and to further your own personal growth as a person.

Being able to empathize with another person when they are upset is a useful skill to acquire. For many people it is a revelation to discover their partner thinks differently than they do. And rather than try to change each other, revel in the differences that add richness and variety to your relationship.

2. Resolve with your partner that preserving your relationship is more important than what you are fighting about.

This is a choice you can make when you aren’t angry. Having a higher purpose than to “win” an argument can often defuse a conflict before it starts.

3. Review the last major conflict between you and your partner, apply what happened to the list below and share your answers with each other.

What was I reacting to when I got angry with my partner?
Did I think I was right and my partner wrong?
Was I trying to change my partner?
Was I trying to control my partner or avoid being controlled?
What was I afraid of?

4. Independently of one another, make a list of acceptable and non-acceptable behavior for you and your partner during a conflict. Share your lists and create one list that has only the items on which you can BOTH agree.

Often how partners act during a conflict will contribute to its escalation. If one partner is silent or just leaves the room, it can intensify rather than negotiate an upset. By writing down what you are both comfortable with and coming up with a list of “do’s and don’ts” with each other, you will have a structure for keeping an argument from getting out of control.

5. Agree not to bring up old grievances when dealing with a current disagreement.

This is called the “Museum Tour”. It is always a mistake to reach into the past for an old incident and use it to emphasize what you are currently discussing.

6. Agree to a signal that each of you can use if you need a time-out to avoid escalating the conflict.

In the beginning of working on conflict resolution, things can escalate to a point where it is best to stop and postpone the discussion to a later time when tempers have cooled. Come up with an easy way to let each other know you have reached your limit and need a time out. Be sure to decide when you will address it again so it doesn’t go unresolved.

Ongoing unresolved issues and the stress they create could undermine your relationship to intolerable levels over time. It can also be a major problem when trying to parent your children effectively. Conflict is a normal part of learning to live intimately with another person. Since it is impossible to agree on everything, like parenting styles, developing skills to navigate through the uncomfortableness of coming to an understanding is worth the effort. Both you and your children will benefit.

At first glance this would seem to be a very positive outcome for everyone concerned. The bus driver has less misbehavior to deal with, the kids are quiet doing homework and no doubt games and messaging friends. However, I wonder about the ability of our children to manage themselves in social situations without using some external device so enthralling that it minimizes and limits real world interaction with their peers.

Is it really too much to ask of teenagers that they ride together on a bus without acting out, bothering each other, and even creating an unsafe and distracting environment for the driver?

And, why would the driver of the bus be willing to drive with these distractions instead of insisting on some level of appropriate behavior.

I continue to wonder how this technology that we are all so engaged in is affecting our ability to just “be” without being entertained. How is it affecting the ability to interact with each other?

You can read the entire article from the New York Times.

What do you think?

Since we are approaching Valentine’s Day, I thought I would share an article that I read some time back. Unfortunately, like a lot of holidays the real meaning submerged under the message of buy, buy, buy to show your love. But, this article was written by a mom who was moved by a caring teacher her son had.

Now her son was a bright kid. But, as she shared, he was more interested in playing than school. Many times she saw the discouragement in histeachers as they reported negatively about her son. Until one year when her son had a teacher who saw his problems as an opportunity to make a difference. The teacher started meeting with the son and his mom on a weekly basis. There in front of the boy, they all discussed the things that occurred during the previous week. It was masterful, that this teacher held these conferences in front of the boy. Makes you wonder why all of these meetings aren’t parent, teacher, child conferences. After all shouldn’t your child be present when people are talking about her?

Anyway, by showing how much he cared and working with the boy to come up with solutions, things began to improve. What a lesson this is for all of us. Simply caring enough to look under the surface. To take the time to understand the why of behavior instead of merely trying to punish or correct it.

This teacher’s love was apparent because he took his time every week to make sure this boy was not left behind. He was committed to finding other avenues to reach this boy and direct him toward his full potential. Life is busy, complicated and sometimes you can lose your way in the most important job you have…parenting your children in a positive respectful and most importantly a loving way.

To you and your children, I hope this reminder of love and caring with spark you to see the best in your children and your friends and family.

A teacher has created a ton of games that will have your kids asking to play. And the best part you don’t have to make the up. They are done for you, lots of bonuses and they are guaranteed. Take a look!

While watching the video, I thought how true this was in how you ’see’ your children. When you focus on what’s wrong, it tends to color everything. You unconsciously look for the bad and even expect it. In other words your reality will match your perceptions. If you believe that Johnny is the one who starts the fights, that will be what you see. When that happens there isn’t much room for Johnny to be good.

What would happen if before you corrected, or disciplined your kids you took a moment to reflect on what’s right with them. It doesn’t have to be monumental. I can be something simple. Particularly, if that child is a challenge. It can give you an important moment to pause and think before you speak. This video is about 20 minutes long. I encourage you to watch the entire thing. It will make your day. What’s Right With the World.

But, I was struck by the question these parents had. They had just gotten custody of their niece and nephew. They had just been removed from their home by child protective services. Now, neither of them were potty trained. The “parents” (aunt and uncle) were complaining and asking for help on how to accomplish this.

They do what many parents do. Overlook the situation that is surely upsetting and stressful for these little ones and focus on what they consider misbehavior, not wanting to use the potty. These children are surely traumatized by what has just happened. Using the potty is most likely the last thing they want to do.

Looking at how behavior is connected to what is happening in the family can provide you with great insights into your child’s behavior. Just because they are children doesn’t mean they are not affected by change, positive or negative. Clearly in this case compassion, structure and reassurance is what these kids need. Potty training can come later.

Chris Thompson’s audio series is very comprehensive and easy to follow. He shows you new ways of interacting with your toddler that helps you be involved and discipline them in a positive way. Learning not to use “no” or yelling at your child are invaluable tools for creating a loving, caring relationship with your child while disciplining them.

You can even sign up for a free audio lesson before you buy. Here are his 3 key points from that free audio lesson. By the way his approach compliments the positive discipline approach I teach in my online parenting class for preschoolers.

1) Always speak in positive terms rather than negative terms.  If your child is doing something and you want them to stop, tell them what you do want them to do rather than saying “Stop doing that” (whatever “that” is).  You’ll have more success because of the way the unconscious mind processes sentences.

2) Raise your voice only when you absolutely must.  Raising your voice too often will result in your child being conditioned not to respond.  The brain unconsciously looks for differences, so if you yell too often, it will be seen as normal and therefore ignored.  Instead, you need to reserve yelling for times when it is truly necessary so that it is seen as different.  This is so important, and all of the the other skills I teach you in the Talking To Toddlers program will give you solutions that don’t involve yelling.

3) Get good at entering your child’s world.  When you are about to ask your child to do something that you suspect is not going to get an easy “yes answer”, you need to gracefully enter their world.  For example, say you are about to get your child changed into pyjamas for bedtime, but your child is occupied with something and is likely to put up a fight.

Instead of saying, “Ok, time to put your pyjamas on”, go over and get involved with what your child is doing and make a few statements that you know will be in agreement with your child’s inner experience.  You could say, “It’s fun to play with this toy, isn’t it”.  These kinds of comments will get you into their world.  Once you have entered their world, you can gracefully pull them towards what you want them to do.

With a 60 day money back guarantee you really have nothing to lose. You can choose from the inexpensive mp3 versions or the CD version of Talking to Toddlers: Dealing with the Terrible Twos and Beyond. Well worth the time for listening and the price you pay for the series.

The amount of use on these “can’t do without” items is staggering. First of all the kids all have cell phones, laptops, iPods, and text, call, listen to music and surf the internet for hours a day. And, let’s not forget that TV watching is still a high time waster. Ready?

The average kid spends seven-and-a-half hours a day engaged with technology. And, they can spend up to 75 hours a week using electronic media…that’s like a job plus overtime!devices aren’t going away. So, what does a conscientious parent do?

Well for starters, look at these numbers:

47% of kids who are heavy users of media have a grade point average of C or lower
25% of kids who are light users of media have a grade point average of C or lower

28% of parents limit TV watching
36% of parents limit computer use

When parents set even minimal limits on kid’s media consumption, it drops by nearly 3 hours a day.

With this information, I decided to take a look at why these activities seem to dominate the lives of children and even many of their parents. Do you see yourself in any of these scenarios?

• It can be daunting to stand against these pleas, “everyone has one”, “all my friends do it”, “you just don’t get it”.  So, does this make you more likely to give in when you know your shouldn’t?
• What about the argument for having computers in your teen’s room…well it keeps my kid at home, so I know where he is. You may know where he is but do you know what he’s doing? Having computers in kid’s room is just too tempting and because it’s unsupervised it may not be a good idea. It’s better to set up a computer in a common room or office where you can easily check in with your child, and also set and enforce limits.
• Video games, Wii and TV. The new babysitters? Do you hesitate to set limits on these activities because it keeps your child quiet and out of your hair even though you know he is spending way too much time in these solo activities?
• Are you more concerned that your kids “like you” and that you are a friend? Does that make you less able to be strong in the face of upset from your kids when you set limits? Remember, you children will have lots of friends but only one set of parents. A parent is not supposed to be a friend.

Ever thought about the social implications of all this alone/together way of interacting with peers? Texting with multiple friends while surfing the internet seems like being connected. But what does it mean when kids break up or fight using a text message instead of face to face? How will your kids deal with people face to face in the real world after years of having an electronic device between them and other people?

These devices present a real challenge to the job of parenting. It can be a very unpopular point of view to limit the media use of your kids. But, you will be doing your job by setting realistic limits for the use of these addicting devices.

If you don’t manage the time you spend on these useful devices they will “manage” you. Be creative. Find ways to replace the time spent alone with a cell phone with family time. Make sure there is real conversation at meal times, and in the evenings. Talk with your kids, have discussions about your concerns even if they roll their eyes. Find out what they think, even if you disagree. The time you spend really relating to your kids in real time, face to face will reap great rewards for your family. It just takes practice and well maybe even some good old fashion courage!

I am interested in your personal struggles in this area and welcome your comments.

I inadvertently picked up a parenting magazine and flipped to the ‘Ask the Doctor’ section because there was a question from a concerned parent about her son’s teeth clenching. He was only seven and she noticed him doing it while watching TV and other times during the day. She had also heard him actually ‘grinding’ his teeth at night.

I was struck by the response from the doctor. Basically, his advice was only directed at the ’symptom’ of teeth clenching and not about possible causes. The article focused on the physiological aspect saying, ‘children’s jaws are more flexible than adult’s, so clenching was not likely to do any structural damage’. It was suggested that teeth clenching was a habit children might outgrow and the last piece of advice was that a splint could be made to protect the teeth!

Parents need to know teeth clenching can also be a symptom of stress in children. The article totally overlooked the possibility that this child might be reacting to something stressful in his environment, some difficulty with school or a problem with his peers.

A child’s response to stress can sometimes be difficult to spot. Nail biting, nightmares, headaches, stomachaches, bed wetting and teeth clenching can all be signs that a youngster is having some difficulty coping with his life. Being a child does not make one immune to stress. Sometimes as adults we can’t imagine what a child could be stressed about. The things that stress out adults are all taken care of for a child, right? But, as adults we must remember that one’s experience of life at any age, is real and all encompassing. In the face of difficulty, a child of seven does not react by reasoning, “Oh, this isn’t a problem, because when I am twelve it won’t be this way”.

Therefore, it is important to investigate when your child develops habits that point to ’system overload’. Some places to look are obvious like divorce, the birth of a brother or sister, moving to a new neighborhood or school or a major job change for either parent. Some not so obvious places to check are; unrealistic expectations by parents or teachers, too many extracurricular activities, not enough quality time with mom and dad, lack of a routine, not enough downtime, etc.

Look for recent changes in as many areas as you can, to find out what your child might be reacting to. Remember, what may seem insignificant to you can seem insurmountable to your child. Sometimes just being able to talk about the event or change can bring relief. If your child is very young, try using stories or drawings to give you child a way to express his/her feelings.

Another useful stress management for children system is a great selection of books and CDs that help kids with stress through stories. They are beautifully done with wonderful illustrations. You can check them out at stress free kids. They give you a unique way to help your children manage the negative affects of stress. Understanding, reassurance and normalizing what you child is feeling can go a long way toward helping your child become skilled at meeting life’s challenges.