Punishment vs. Discipline
February 1st, 2007 by phyllis
I will go out on a limb here and say that I do not think punishment is ever necessary to correct misbehavior. That being said, it doesn’t mean there should not be consequences when a child makes a mistake or breaks the rules.
Punishment may seem to work, but if it really did you would not find yourself punishing a child for the same offense over and over again. Much of the time the punishment has no relationship to the offense. For example, if a child hits his sister he can’t watch TV. If a teen does not respect his curfew, he has to mow the lawn.
Often punishment is partnered with rewards. So, if a child does something wrong he is punished, if he does something the parents sees as good he is rewarded. Sometimes punishment is associated with yelling, humiliating, and hitting. What does a child learn from punishment which is used as discipline? He learns to fear his parents, to obey without thinking for himself and even lie to avoid punishment. He learns to do well in school or stop a misbehavior for a reward, but that robs him of understanding how the world works. The way the world really works is that there are consequences to behavior. When a child understands that, consequences become the teacher and it is a good one.
You may think that without punishment your child will grow up without knowing right from wrong. That without controlling and threats she won’t do well in school. Nothing could be further from the truth.
When you understand the concept of using natural and logical consequences as the way to influence and train, your child will be well on the way to becoming a responsible, cooperative and loving person.
How do consequences work to influence good behavior. First of all you want to change your expectations to you child will make appropriate choices given the chance. Then you give her age-appropriate opportunities to make choices so she can learn from experience. For a toddler this may be choosing when to take a bath. He doesn’t get to decide IF he will take a bath but when. This gives him a chance to feel powerful and in control. These simple choices become more complex ones as the child gets older. Big successes build on small ones.
The school-age child can be responsible for his schoolwork. That means you are not the homework police. You let him be accountable for doing his schoolwork and face the consequences of not doing it even if it means summer school.
When natural and logical consequences form the basis of your parenting style, the teenage years can be enriching instead of focused on rebellious behavior.
These concepts may challenge your parenting ideas and you may outright disagree. But I challenge you to read more about this parenting style to see if you just might benefit from a democratic, respectful parenting model.
2 Responses to “Punishment vs. Discipline”
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I agree fully with this concept, although it IS hard to adhere to at times. I have a spirited 6 yr old and she learned very early about cause and effect and also what ground rules are. Having worked with her on these concepts since she was very young, she is now able to conduct herself in most situations mindful of her actions. This is not to say that we don’t have our outbursts or weaknesses. One thing that I think that is paramount with discipline is that children will prove you right every time, if you tell them they are “bad” or “stupid”, they will prove you right just as much as if you tell them they are “good” and “brilliant”. Our next big goal is to work on speaking truths with her and encourage her to be mindful of her words as they hold so much power, even when you are 6.
You are right on about expectations. Children and even spouses, will live into the expectations and beliefs you have about them. If you see your child as stubborn you will look for the “stubborn” behavior to be there even when it isn’t. Another aspect of natural consequences is how you can use them to shape your child’s behavior. There are consequences to how we speak and behave. When a young child is speaking to an adult and not being respectful, the natural consequence is that the adult does not respond until the child speaks appropriately. The way to think about misbehavior is what is the child getting out of behaving that way? When you understand that it gives you better ways to respond. For instance, temper tantrums all but disappear when there is no audience. Kids, as you probably already know, are better than adults at only doing what works! Thanks for your post.