Your Parenting Matters

Taking ‘time for training’ means that you will purposely and consistently work on a particular problem area until you achieve results. One of the great things that make working with children easy once you know the ‘code’ is that kids do what works. Adults are different. They will continue to do what doesn’t work for what seems like forever. But on to the subject at hand.

What does take ‘time for training mean’? One way I describe it is this. Imagine the difference between having a low grade fever that never goes away and makes you feel miserable and a temporary and short lived high fever that goes away and does not come back. When you ‘take time for training’ you actually can eliminate the problem behaviors that you have with your children once and for all. Now, depending on the ages of your kids, how long the problematic behavior has been going on and your response to it, this can take a bit of time. But, it is time well spent.

The biggest stumbling block to training, is when parents and kids are in public. That is when your ‘good parent’ conscience shows up and causes you to opt for dealing with the situation in a manner that makes YOU look good but does nothing to stop the offensive behavior in your kids.

Here is an example that we can all relate to. Some parents that I have been working with were over at the home of friends who have a 3 year old. It was past their daughter’s bedtime (first mistake). She was whining and wanting to watch TV. The dad had the remote and was scanning through programs when he passed by Sponge Bob Square Pants. Their daughter immediately demanded that she get to watch that show. But, normally she is not allowed to watch that show, so dad went on by the channel. The mom watching this display, said to dad, “Well now that she has seen that the show is on, we have to let her watch it.”

Now, this is an example of parents giving into an unreasonable demand from their whiny, tired child. It is also and example of the parents wanting to put an end to the embarrassing behavior in front of their friends so they look like they are in control or at the very least stop the bad behavior quickly. This is the mistake. Taking time for training means using every opportunity for dealing with bad behavior in an appropriate manner no matter where you are and give up the concern of ‘what other parents or people might think’.

Taking time for training is a very useful and effective tool. Think of creative ways you can use it for problem areas you have with your children that have continued to happen over and over. Start with issues you have at home like having children go to bed easily and without a struggle; put an end to temper tantrums; learn to say no and mean it.

Once you have experienced success at home, you will be motivated to make changes when you are in public because you know these strategies really work.

Some Tips to Get You Started

Problem: After being put to bed kids keep getting up.
Going to bed can be a positive, stressless event. Make sure children are clear about the routine whatever that is: bath time, brushing teeth, getting a drink of water and story time, etc. Be firm and friendly and approach this with the expectation that kids will go along with the routine. If the child gets up, after the routine, be friendly and firm but take them back to bed. Do not lecture or explain. Walk them back to bed and say goodnight and leave staying friendly and without anger. You may have to do this 20 times the first night. The next night you may have to do it 10 times, then 5, then 0. What you are communicating is that you mean what you say and that you are in charge. If you are committed to change, you will see progress.

Problem: Temper Tantrums
This display, while upsetting is fairly benign. It can look really bad with an expert temper tantrum thrower. But, for a temper tantrum to work, it must have an audience…YOU. So, if you can eliminate the audience, the temper tantrum has no reason to continue. Again, don’t explain, lecture or cajole. Simply walk away and ignore the fit. You are communicating that this kind of behavior will not work.

Problem: Child won’t eat at mealtime but asks for snacks
Some children may need to eat more frequently than others. But often what happens is that a child fills up on snacks, isn’t hungry at mealtime and then wants snacks again. Help your child make good choices. I have seen parents turn themselves inside out being a short order cook for several children. Avoid this by putting good food in front of your children with the instruction that they do not have to eat the meal but there will be no snacking before the next meal.

Problem: Child whines and begs when you say no.
This is a common problem with children when parents first say no and then as the whining escalates they give in to the child’s demands. What the child learns is that if they whine long enough, mom and dad will finally give in and they can have what they are whining about. Stopping the whining can be one of the most satisfying things you can do. But, you must decide ahead of time that you can stand it if it gets worse before it gets better. Your child is used to getting what he wants if he continues to beg and whine. You practice just saying no without explanation, lectures or justification. Then no matter what the child does or says you remain calm. You will be surprised how quickly this will change.

You child’s behavior is mostly dependent on your response. When you change your response, your child’s behavior changes. It is almost like magic. If you have specific situations we can address here, feel free to ask for help.